hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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