good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
