i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
