I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
