I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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