youre lurking in front of me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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