I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
