I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
