I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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