just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
