if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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