If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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