Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
