I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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