And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
