I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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