i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She bit a glass in half.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
