Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
