after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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