i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
