Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
