I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
