Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
