I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You took a bar mat shot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
