Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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