Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
