i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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