it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
