Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize