I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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