It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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