it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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