u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
