So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
