Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
