ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
