Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
