Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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