Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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