Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
