At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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