yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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