I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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