This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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