I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
