dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
