just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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