dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
