My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
