Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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