Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
