I'm so fucking centered right now
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
