So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
