i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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